Keep in mind that I didn’t exactly have a “Gay-Straight Alliance” available to give me support at my ROMAN CATHOLIC high school in the “enlightened metropolis” of Terre Haute, Indiana!  And lest I out myself as being an “old fart”, keep in mind that I attended high school between 1972 – 1976. Being from Terre Haute I didn’t exactly have a Gay Hotline, gay websites (let alone the Internet) or gay-friendly family, clergy or friends to turn to when my classmate verbally gay-bashed me.

And so, for many years (even after I came out), I worked hard to prevent the rest of the world from seeing the “Inner Faggot” that my classmate Randy saw.  Even after high school, I can recall an openly gay friend at Indiana State chastise my “faggishness” by ordering me to “Butch it up, girlfriend!”  What had I become, just another “Nelly Retail Queen” like Emmett’s character on Queer As Folk (“I know that you all just think of me as this Nelly retail queen…”)?

My coming out journey hasn’t always been smooth or easy. This isn’t a cause for self-pity — just a statement of fact.  I also realize that very few are the GLBT persons who can claim to have had an “easy” time coming out TOTALLY to themselves and to others (not to mention to God).

Despite my less-than-gay-friendly high school and college years, last spring something just snapped.  Maybe all these years of working for a GAY newspaper finally made a difference!

The “shap” I’m speaking of is NOT the kind of “snap” a bitchy queen makes with his fingers.  This was the “snap” that allowed me to LISTEN TO and EMBRACE the “Faggot Within” myself.  To my way of thinking, my “Faggot Within” is similar to what best-selling author Brad Gooch calls our “Boyfriend Within” in his bestseller Finding The Boyfriend Within.  This is the voice inside our head (and NOT that “head”, silly queen!) that is the proud, courageous and self-accepting part of our personality that gives voice to the unashamed part of our sexual orientation (whether we are gay or bisexual).

My Inner-Faggot Within said words to me to the effect, “Honey, it’s about time to OWN and EMBRACE the fact that you ARE a “Total Faggot’”.  This time my “Inner Homophobe” agreed with my “Faggot Within” and in a matter of seconds mountains of internalized homophobia seemed to vanish!

I felt relief. I felt joy. I felt a greater sense of self-acceptance that I didn’t realize was even possible for me to feel.

Part of my journey toward BEing and LOVing the “Total Faggot” that I am has lead me to do some gender-bending things I’ve wanted to do for YEARS (OK, maybe even decades). So I went out and had both of ears pierced (a can of Coor’s Light helped me face that fear), I’m wearing ear cuffs and I’ve started wearing lipstick and “guyliner” both in public and in private!  Can piercing my nipples or my “ying-yang” be far away?  Probably. <blush>

Did I mention that I’ve been fitted for my FIRST BRA!!! (a fitting that took place in – of all parts of Metro Louisville that you would NOT expect to take place – the socially uptight suburb of SAINT MATTHEWS!!!  Men might get fitted for bras in the Highlands and Old Louisville neighborhoods, but NEVER in Saint Matthews! I am such a pioneer!).  Feminists get thrilled about burning their bras, while we drag queen-wannabes get moist about being fitted for our first bra. (By the way, my size is 64-B (yeah, I’m a “fuller-figured lady”). Deal with it.)

I don’t necessarily believe that my (let alone all bisexual and gay men’s) Inner Faggot is “100% screaming queen 100% of the time”.  What I do believe is that this inner voice is totally authentic and has much integrity. No Inner Faggot would even think about including the phrase “Straight Acting” within a personal ad.  That kind of wording comes from the Homophobe Within part of one’s personality.  I don’t need that voice running my life anymore, let alone writing my personal ads.  My Inner Faggot refuses to “act” to gain someone else’s approval.  My Faggot Within is capable of being masculine without needing to “act” masculine.

I don’t care how masculine or feminine any GLBT person happens to be.  My point is that we can call make two choices: We can choose to BE OURSELVES and we can choose to STOP letting internalized messages of shame (call it “homophobia”, “biphobia” or “transphobia”, or whatever else you care to call it) run our lives.  We may need a therapist or support to make these two choices, but we CAN make these choices.  We may need to re-commit to making these choices several times each day, but these are choices we can make.

What is the worst thing that would happen if you embraced your Faggot Within/Dyke Within/Bisexual Within/Transgender Within?

Here are three examples from actual Craigslist personal ads where the phrase “bi curious” refers to gay man’s curiosity about a having his first sexual encounter with a WOman. Please note that I found all three of these ads within the MEN SEEKING WOMEN portion of Craigslist.

I guess I should start by saying I’m gay… NO WAIT… DON’T CLICK THE BACK BUTTON YET…

It may sound odd, but the other day I tried pineapple on my pizza for the first time, thinking I would hate it, and I was wrong… This got me to thinking, how many things have I dismissed thinking I would hate them, and not even trying them…

And I got to thinking, what would it be like to be with a woman? Im a guy… we think about sex… a lot! So, I guess is there anyone out there in the void that would like me to not judge this particular book by its cover? I’m cute, 6’1″, 175 brown hair and eyes… professional.

Though I am supremely doubtful that this will yield positive results, it would be the pineapple pizza all over again if I didn’t.

Put “pineapple pizza” in the subject so I know you are real.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

I am a gay male and am looking to experiment with a female.

Are there any women out there that are understanding and willing to attempt to make me straight? I hope to hear from you.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Gay male seeks female for sex.  I can’t be any more direct than that, can I? I’m gay. Have never had sex with a woman. Want to know what it’s like, just once.

Interested in showing a gay guy what it’s all about? I have plenty of female friends, but I’d never ask them. Maybe you’re the one.

White male, 5-eleven, two hundred, shaved head, goatee. All races/ages welcome. Please put “I want a gay man” in the subject line so I know you’re real.

Now why would any card carrying homo (female or male) want to “play for the other team”…even if for just one night?  I don’t ask to  be disrespectful, I’m just trying to figure out the mindset of “gayly bi curious” folks. Or whatever you want to call them.

Can you, dear reader, relate to any of these three guy’s ads?  Lesbian or gay male, do you deep down crave to have sex — at least one time — with a person of the opposite sex? Tell us all about it!

ATWT is hardly the only soap opera experiencing a smaller viewership in recent years. Ratings for US daytime serials have fallen drastically since the mid-1990s. America’s highest-rated soap, The Young and the Restless, has dropped from an 8.6 share in 1994 to a 3.7 share in 2009. No new daytime soap opera has been created since 1999, while many have been canceled. At the end of 2010, there will be six daytime soap operas on the three major networks, down from 12 in 1990 and a high of 19 in 1970.

Overall I’m pleased — though at times a bit frustrated — with the way ATWT writers have handled the program’s gay characters over the past three-plus years. The gay characters that have received the most screen time have been Luke Snyder (played by Van Hansis), Noah Mayer (Jake Silbermann) and Dr. Reid Oliver (Eric Sheffer Stevens). A few other minor gay characters and one bisexual character have come and gone.

Luke’s character was the first to come out. Noah became his first boyfriend, but not until  Luke experienced the heartbreak of having his love rejected by his best friend (OOPS…Not a good idea to fall in love with your STRAIGHT best friend).

Luke and Noah made television history on August 17, 2007, when ATWT featured the first-ever gay male kiss in American daytime. (Did you realize that romantic kisses between men during prime time TV didn’t come about until May 2001? Until then handshakes and tender hugs were the only forms of affection shared by male couples.) The YouTube  video of Like and Noah’s first kiss stands as one of the most viewed selections in the history of YouTube with over 2 million hits!

Earlier this year ATWT introduced Dr. Reid Oliver and well, he’s come between Luke and Noah. As of this writing, Noah is out of the picture and Luke and Reid are making a go of it as a couple. As the drama of it all! What would a soap opera be without a good love triangle? Its just not every day one sees a GAY love triangle depicted on TV — daytime or prime time.

So if you are a long-time viewer of ATWT, who would you like to see Luke “live happily ever after” with:  Noah or Reid?  I can live with either resolution to this triangle. I suppose I might be slightly prejudiced toward Luke and Reid making it is as a couple because onscreen it seems to me that they have a lot more “passion” between them than Luke and Noah ever did. What follows is a video clip to make my point…

Then again, I suppose Luke and Noah have decent onscreen chemistry as evidenced by this video clip…

So which couple would you prefer to see eloping to Iowa (or Canada) from Oakdale, Illinois to get married someday:  Luke & Noah or Luke & Reid?

“Last month a federal judge ruled that the Twin Cities Pride Festival was not allowed to prevent a man from passing out Bibles and discussing his views against homosexuality at the annual event that took place in Minneapolis.

Festival organizers had asked Judge John Tunheim for a temporary restraining order against Brian Johnson, of Hayward, Wisconsin. They had argued that they should have the right to prevent Johnson from passing out literature or displaying signs during the GLBT pride event because they’re paying to lease a public venue, Loring Park, for the weekend.

But Tunheim’s order stated the park is a public forum, so Johnson’s free-speech rights must be honored. He says Johnson is entitled to speak and hand out literature as long as he remains undisruptive.”

My 3 1/2 cents worth (as adjusted for inflation) goes like this…

I believe the Twin Cities Pride Festival folks were way out of line to file a lawsuit against this homophobic guy in the first place. Homophobes, religious ones like the man named in the lawsuit or those of the non-religious variety, are entitled to free speech — especially in a public venue like a government-owned park.

I think this lawsuit was a reflection of any number of illogical fears. What were they (the Pride Festival folks) afraid of? 

Were they afraid that we queer folks are incapable of standing up for ourselves?  Were they afraid that this guy’s heterosexuality (or worse, his homophobia) would magically make some (or all) gay folks he came into contact with straight, let alone homophobic?  Did they fear that an expression of hate-based speech would somehow diminish the fun of their beloved Pride Festival? Did they think that if one homophobe was allowed to exercise his hate speech openly that it would serve to encourage more bigots to show up?

Whatever the sources for the festival committee’s concerns, no person’s fear should ever override another person’s freedom of speech.  Homophobes showing up, speaking out and/or handing out hate literature at a Pride event…

1) Might actually serve to make some of our community members more articulate in their ability to defend themselves in the presence of bigots.
2) Can’t make a gay person straight, let alone homophobic.
3) Can serve as a reminder of WHY we celebrate Pride in the first place (remember the Stonewall Riots?).  HINT: Our community first celebrated Pride bcause some of our community members stood up to bigots.
4) Might encourage more homophobes to show up at Pride events.  So?  Bring it on!  Let’s dialogue with these folks, with the hope that someday soon their prejudice can be overcome. May their fear and hate be replaced with a passion for tolerance, and a respect for equality!

I wonder if the Twin Cities Pride Festival organizers would support the filing of a lawsuit that would prevent liberal/progressive folks from protesting a KKK rally?  Probably not, since the KKK almost always bring out lots of protesters — including members of the GLBT community — at their public events.

What’s your opinion?  It was rumored that this year’s Kentuckiana Pride Festival had at least three anti-gay protestors spreading their homophobic views.  Do you believe that these individuals  have a right to promote their anti-gay agenda at a Pride Festival or other gay-friendly public event? Whatever your opinion, please leave a comment!

The fundamentalist-owned-and-operated American Family Association (AFA) is widely known for attacking businesses and organizations that promote a GLBT-friendly agenda. But did you know that they actually go so far as to ban the word from their “news” website, OneNewsNow.com?

The AFA website uses the slogan “Your Latest News from a Christian Perspective.” In addition to op-eds from antigay authors, the site relies on content from the Associated Press (AP). AFA routinely re-writes AP news to put their anti-gay spin on things. For instance, placing the words marriage and wedding in quotes when referring to same-sex couples and swapping out the phrase “groups that oppose same-sex marriage” to read “groups that support one-man, one-woman marriage.”

The AFA website also uses a “filter” to replace every instance of the word “gay” with “homosexual.” So when olympic athlete Tyson Gay ran the fastest 100m of all time earlier this summer, the headline at OneNewsNow.com read “Homosexual Eases Into 100 Final At Olympic trials.”

Howard Fendrich’s AP story, modified by the American Family Association for readers of OneNewsNow.com, included the following amusing lines:

“Tyson Homosexual was a blur in blue, sprinting 100 meters faster than anyone ever has.”

“Wearing a royal blue uniform with red and white diagonal stripes across the front, along with matching shoes, all in a tribute to 1936 Olympic star Jesse Owens, Homosexual dominated the competition.”

“Everyone expected Homosexual to make the U.S. team.”

After the laughs and shaking of heads, surely instances like this should give people everywhere pause. The American Family Association’s fixation with being anti-gay — right down to censoring the word itself — is a pathetic display of it’s hostility towards the GLBT community. Hostility towards our community is hardly something for Christians to be proud of.  Then again, the AFA is to Christianity what paint-by-number is to fine art!

Gxx & Lxxxxxx Film Series

Here in Metro Louisville (Kentucky) public display of both the words “Gay” and “Lesbian” came under attack from parents horrified that they might have to “explain what a ‘gay’ is” or explain what a ‘lesbian’ is” to their children.

The phrase “Gay & Lesbian Film Series” that appeared on the marquee at Village 8 Theatres in suburban Louisville drew an average of ten complaints per day for nearly three weeks, according to a theatre manager. Under the stress of the constant stream of criticism, the management finally relented and edited the marquee text to read “G & L Film Series”.

General complaints about the film festival that began in early June, including specific outrage over the marquee wording, came in by phone and e-mail and at least one very heated face-to-face exchange between an anti-gay patron and an assistant manager in the theatre’s lobby. The angry customer screamed, “By showing these gay films, you have unleashed the moral equivalent of a terrorist attack on the citizens of our community!” The verbal trade went on for over five minutes in front of dozens of theatre patrons.

Despite all of the homophobic protests – and even in the wake of substituting “G” and “L” for “Gay” and “Lesbian” on the theatre marquee – ticket sales for the film series were excellent. In fact, one of the two opening films sold more films than any other film shown the first week of June.

This article appeared in the July 2008 issue of THE COMMUNITY LETTER newspaper (www.TheLetterOnline.com).

Understatement Alert: Anti-gay candidates (and their political action committees) really infuriate me! How dare they paint pro-gay candidates as being “extremists.” How “extremist” is it to support marriage equality for lesbians and gays?
 
Even though I’m not a politician I too must then be an “extremist” because I support equality, huh? Fine. While they’re at it, the right-leaning whack jobs might as well call me a “radical” as well. Being a radical isn’t always a bad thing, you know. In fact, feminism is still considered “radical” by most of the folks who would accuse supporters of same-sex marriage of being “extremists”. Remember those bumper stickers that read, “Feminism Is The Radical Notion That Women Are Human Beings”?

What some folks intend to be an insult, in some cases I’ve been able to turn around and see it is a compliment. Such is the case of a remark that was made during the last U.S. presidential campaign by Dr. R. Albert Mohler, President of the formerly-esteemed Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, located on Lexington Road in Louisville.

If you’ve never heard of Dr. Mohler, this is the same seminary president who barely a decade ago was so disrespected by his students that many of them refused to shake his hand when he presented them with their diploma. This is the same Southern Baptist Convention leader who, when learning that one of his campus security guards was gay, forced the employee to undergo “ex-gay counseling” as a condition of his employment.  This is the same “pro-life leader” who led his seminary to close its affordable childcare ministry because it wasn’t a financial gold mine. Al Mohler is the same “compassionate conservative” who supported the closing of the Carver School of Social Work at The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary.  Dr. Mohler is the same “visionary leader” who showed us how to turn a seminary with declining enrollment into a cash cow by building luxury apartments and a conference center on school property.

While driving home from church (What? Me, a gay man, actually goes to church!) the Sunday prior to Election Day 2004, I was listening to a Christian radio station that ran an endorsement of President George W. Bush (such a shock!) that was voiced by Dr. Mohler. I assume he had authored this piece since it was loaded with his usual brand of extremist name-calling.

Mohler’s endorsement included the following gem that was offered as a reason to re-elect Bush:

“Will we protect marriage as the basic institution of society itself, or will we allow it to be undermined by activist judges and sexual revolutionaries?”

Wow! I’m a “sexual revolutionary”. I might as well wear start wearing a pink armband.
 
Being a “revolutionary,” simply means that I support “revolutionary principles,” according to one dictionary definition of the word. Let’s not forget that a revolution is defined as a drastic and far-reaching change in ways of thinking and behaving. Some changes are not necessarily bad (i.e., emancipating slaves, allowing women the right to vote, etc.).

Would someone please tell me why it’s a bad thing to stand up for the equality of same-sex couples who desire to marry? Isn’t it even MORE revolutionary (but only in a bad way) to attempt to oppress the rights of minorities?

So I thank Dr. Mohler for his backhanded compliment and for giving me another reason to be grateful that I’m an Ex-Southern Baptist.

This installment of Dave VanderPol’s RADICALLY SERENE THOUGHTS column was pubilshed in the December 2004 issue of THE LETTER newspaper (www.TheLetterOnline.com).

Will you love me any less because you know that I occasionally watch soap operas? I hope not! You do practice “Tolerance”, right?

Jake Silberman (Noah) and Van Hansis (Luke) of AS THE WORLD TURNS

While my all-time favorite soap is still The Young & The Restless (I sure wish they would bring back Brenda Dickson, the original Jill Abbot!)¸ I have come to have much love and respect for As The World Turns (ATWT) since they added an openly gay character, Luke Snyder (played by Van Hansis).

Thirteen months ago ATWT introduced us to the character Noah Mayer (portrayed by Jake Silberman), who has since more-or-less come out of the closet and more-or-less (most of the time?) become Luke’s boyfriend. In soap opera shorthand Luke & Noah are referred to simply as “Nuke”. Nuke is the first gay couple to be portrayed on a soap opera. This is historic, is it not?

In true soap opera fashion, Nuke has had more plots twists and relationship ups and downs than I can count. One day they are solidly in love. The next day they are “splitsville”, or on the verge of never having anything to do with each ever again. Don’t we Drama Queens just love the drama?!?

But can any important lessons be learned from the trials and tribulations of Luke and Noah?  Definitely! Most of them are painful and ones I would like to forget. My short list of Invaluable Nuke Reminders goes like this.

• Growing up gay can be very painful – especially in a sleepy Midwestern town like Oakdale, Illinois, which is ground zero for ATWT. Being raised in a medium-sized Indiana town (Terre Haute) makes me tremendously grateful for the many GLBT community resources we have here in Louisville (and most major metropolitan areas). Apart from the Internet, many small town folks don’t have “instant community” available to them. I’m GLAD folks in small towns have the Internet available to them, but that’s hardly a substitute for face-to-face community.

• Being raised by a homophobic parent (as was Noah’s character), along with being exposed to potentially many other societal factors, is sure to produce TONS of internalized homophobia (e.g., self-hatred). Noah’s in-and-out relationship with the closet — and on-and-off relationship with Luke – serve as  painful reminders that no matter how much you may love your significant other, there is simply no “fast track” to instantly zap away internalized homophobia. As a community, we need to avail ourselves to coming out and other support groups and gay-affirming professional mental health therapists in order to rid ourselves of the emotional pain that goes with being raised gay in a hostile family and/or society. Wishing and hoping that pain will disappear without effort and support isn’t rational.

• Richard Bach was right when he observed that it is best let go of people who can’t make a commitment. His quote is worth re-quoting: “If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they’re yours; if they don’t they never were.” The way that Luke goes chasing after Noah, begging him to come to his senses, just drives me nuts!  How I’d love to slap a copy of the best selling self-help book CoDependent No More in his hands! (Then again, to coerce someone to read a codependency self-help book would be rather codependent, would it not?).

Sending Noah off to a coming out support group and encouraging Luke to find a therapist to help him with his codependency issues seem like great ideas to help our beloved soap characters move on to the “next level” of their existence. But back here in the “real world” what can be done to help the real people whose stories often parallel the many plot twists experienced by Nuke?

• Every town, regardless of the size, needs a chapter of Parents & Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) to our loved can find support to overcome their issues. It is often overlooked that PFLAG offers great support for us GLBT folks, whether we’re still in-process or fully out.

• Every town, regardless of the size, needs a coming out support group. It disturbs me that Louisville no longer has a group (for either women or men) with the sole focus of helping folks come out. Do we have any qualified individuals amongst our readers willing to help begin such a group in Louisville or elsewhere within the region we serve? If so, please allow THE LETTER to share this information with our readers.

• Every town, regardless of the size, needs mental health therapists who are visibly gay-affirming. Sometimes support groups aren’t enough and professional assistance is called for.

• Every town, regardless of the size, needs welcoming and inclusive faith communities that can facilitate healing of religious-based internalized homophobia, for those struggling with this type of pain.

It sure is easy to write about these issues (probably as easy as it is to write a decent soap opera script). But the reality is that, as I see it, more of us need to be more involved in groups and organizations that can make the world better for our GLBT sisters and brothers. Will Louisville ever again have a GLBT community center, let alone Coming Out Support Group? What resources are missing in your corner of the world? What are you doing to meet these unmet needs?

This installment of Dave VanderPol’s RADICALLY SERENE THOUGHTS column was pubilshed in the July 2008 issue of THE LETTER newspaper (www.TheLetterOnline.com).

The first time I heard Amanda’s character on Ugly Betty refer to Cliff’s character as “Trans Fatty” it made me angry. Very, very angry.

My anger is understandable. Being overweight most all of my life (and knowing first hand how hurtful verbal body bashing can be), I am fairly thin-skinned when myself or others are being put down because of our my/our weight. TV’s Judge Judy said: “Beauty fades but dumb is forever”. In 20 years (or less) I predict that most “beautiful” body bigots will be pretty haggard looking themselves. Today’s twink usually becomes tomorrow’s slob! And f you want to see REAL ugliness, look into the mind and heart of a bigot.

Yes, Amanda got me angry. But eventually I calmed down and decided that the name TransFatty wasn’t all that bad — or at least it had potential! I have come to embrace this name for myself and this blog. Today I don’t mind being called TransFatty — as long as you understand that my definition makes turns around an intended slur into a compliment. You see, I’m a “fat man in transition as I work to loose weight”.

To enhance the quality of my physical health and well-being I’ve placed a high priority on weight loss. Weight Watchers’ POINTS food plan and working a program of 12 Step spirituality has helped me release nearly 85 pounds, one pound at a time. The truth is that all of us who struggle with food addiction ARE “good enough” no matter what our weight. And no matter what hateful twinks say about us!

The two faces of actor David Blue, who portrays Cliff on UGLY BETTY

I still don’t appreciate folks who, like Amanda’s character and many gay men, choose to verbally bash people who, like me, aren’t “height-weight proportionate”. As a matter of fact, I find myself attacted to (openly-straight) actor David Blue, who plays Marc’s boyfriend Cliff on Ugly Betty. He has a face I find to be truly handsome and some delicious curves befitting a truly handsome “man of size”. If you got “some curves” and you’re gay, single and looking…please DO drop me a line!

“Clowns to the Left of Me, Jokers to the Right…”
I’m more than fed up (NO pun intended) with the epidemic of “body bigotry” in the world of gay men. It is hypocritcal (at best) for GAY men who (as we should) demand equality to turn around and bash other gay men because of their body weight.

I’ve been aware of this issue many years when I first I began reading personal ads by/for gay men. Did you ever just want to SCREAM when you read the words “No fats”?!? I don’t care if another gay man is attracted to only men who are “height-weight proportionate”, but I absolutely will not tolerate body bashing comments or lookes just because I don’t meet your definition of ’studly”.

What about the bear community (e.g., gay men of size)? If other people (gay men or otherwise) want to remain obese, I dont judge them. I also surely don’t need them putting me down for wanting to lose weight. Yes, some of these self-identified “bears” DO bash gay men like me for wanting to lose weight).

So whatever shape or size you happen to be, I’m glad you’ve found my blog!!! Care to share your story about being body bashed by other gay men? Write to editor@theletteronline.com.